Julyen Hamilton: cell text ljubljana

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	CELL ljubljana / november 2006
	Bastard. Beautiful bastard - yes! Thought you were moving, thought you were thinking, thought you were... knew you were... thought you were mostly dead now save save save save many many many many many many years - here. I save the years here I take a year and I go 1 and I go hunyuarhunu re .. and after another I go (what ever i did) 2 and then I go 3 and then after another 7 .... of course. Merci. 10 years 'No entra ara' later. Every morning for ten minutes - keeps me very fit. No dogs here, we're not allowed to have dogs, of course I keep the dogs hidden. Dogs - hide! They are well trained dogs, they have studied the art in invisibility they have succeeded, with canine perseverance, to arrive completely... not present at all, so it seems. So it seems and another year goes titanic down hard beat beat beat up north as flow flow flow like shit which is all all all one seems to do daily daily 1 and 365 goes and patience, cross your legs, feeding feed feed feed feed feed feed feed feed the dogs. I got news that Albert was coming but he's not here yet and Albert is very important. Stand up - and Albert remains important over the years shoot shoot shoot Albert remains important you understand I'll be back in a bit. As I said and I try never to break my promises to myself, I'll be back in a bit I notice the symmetry I notice the inevitability of symmetry at times, more than others. and I say why this preoccupation with the said symmetry why not take a break from moving so much and then another symmetry supposes itself, another week on week another year on year forget month week on week year on year months went out long time ago. Monsieur il m'avait dit , monsieur le clé, merci. This is not the place for food - food comes there. Its changed - food has changed. poetry food bastard fucking triangle okay okay, you got me, you got me, Pythagorus you got me where you want me but you know I've studied 'door removal' and I'm going for it I just walk through the door walk through the door door oh I often sit here when I'm lonely 'cos here there's an echo and I hear myself listening to myself having just said what I just said; and the echo lasts just long enough not to have to think of a reply and that cures loneliness like a biscuit in the coffee ... .. ah, we haven't had coffee for years I long, I long, long for a coffee (oh 'no entra' okay) I long for a coffee I long Iloonghilonghilonhilongilong Cut - later - trap door 'Hell' Jesus Jesus Hell Jesus Hell pump it up you mother, pump it up, you're doing fine, you got a beautiful .......... beauty about you. Here - its that triangle again. hah a petty thief, a day stolen, here, a feeling stolen, there a backbone shifted out, melted, there another body above me going ' now now now now now now' and me going 'yes yes yes yes yes yes' and then complaining, 'you're so rhythmic.' Without a wall, loneliness would be intolerable. Of course I sometimes ... heavy ... of course I sometimes think but escape to where? I mean who who who who how who who who.. horizontal tree - I'm going to make a tree-house sideways climbing is out of the question, sorry dogs. When I first came here they gave me an apple and I said 'fuck your stories, I'm going to eat it!' They gave me an apple and they said you have to eat the apple, all three of you and I went 'cool it with the triangle' aaah sometimes things just melt into the right place in the mouth the right place in the mind the right place in the stomach the right place in your history the right place in your vision the right place in your memory the right place ... around you the right place where you are going to be going to the right place, please. Well if the dogs have studied invisibility, the shoes certainly have studied....patience. Patience is a shoe without a foot. Pretty - its a non-reversible chair give me a chance - thank you Two two young girls in identical dresses waiting for virginity to leave. 10 minutes I do 10 minutes a day and then I sit down in a chair there's no chair - I'm never going to use you again, you let me down and in this situation I am hyper-sensitive and plus I've got nothing to lose thank you. Mental health is the mental health is the art, place for art, mental health, of course, is the only breakfast food, once the illusion illusion illusion illusion illusion illusion illusion illusion.. illusion of freedom is gone. 10 minutes a day - one day I'll fly. The dogs are warm the wildness of nature burns underneath everything the impossible intractability of youth boils and steams like a sweaty sock, like a night pushing into dawn like a broth from la mama like a coffee not to be remembered so easily after all these years The wildness of nature burns underneath, burgeons, spills out, spews, shits and warms the back like an austrian tiled water heater. Albert, now is your moment - you're so welcome, how ever old you're grown how ever old and grown into dead, you've grown and however remaining dead you've become - you are still welcome. and .... (sound of wood breaking) .... nothing to do with me somebody else, somebody else who was here before me, somebody else who is going to be here after me nothing to do with me, a total disclaimer, not I not I and Mr Beckett replied, 'not I'. Off the ice-berg into the perfect moment, splitting into the perfect degree splitting into the Eros of geometry splitting the head and dividing 'sanity' and 'insanity' like two twin sisters, waiting in identical clothes for virginity to pass. When you're alone, theres no point in ...... when you're alone, there's no point in .... a lot of things. Three times wonderful. The boat....the boat, the water, the ocean the mountain the hole in the mountain the cave, the cave in the heart on the boat in the ocean near the mountain... .......I'll read you later Now, stand up, thank you. No bastard. No beauty everything's behind me now everything's forgotten - Lie ... more and more things are remembered. Albert said ' okay I didn't know but I accept.' It's so easy to fall in love with a man, the smallest sign the smallest whinny the smallest dance of the mind the smallest heart-felt conclusion the smallest door opening to compassion. Thank you Albert. You can keep dead - we know. -------------------- Sort it out between yourselves. ------------------- I'm going to sleep like a horse I've given up heaven I've given up hell I've given up coffee I've given up ... I've even given up patience and after I met Albert, not needed now after I met Albert I even gave up, hope. Aaaah bastard! you're sleeping - good for you. No food still no food I've been working and still no food I've been passing hours, passing minutes, passing, forget months, passing years and still no food. As it happens I'm not hungry. Much better. Its umm ... there's a leak here and it's been raining, so you're going to need a bridge. I always loved insects. So very Indonesian. Death is the only answer. A short swift punch to the rabbit a short kiss with a bite to the epiglottis a delicate thrust ... in, round the backbone and out again and the softness of the spine says, 'yes yes yes yes yes.' I wanted a blue one and a red one and a white one and they gave me only a black one, Monsieur said, monsieur said (slam slam slam) none of those things; but after all of those things happened, Monsieur said, 'You are welcome, my child. Don't forget your 10 minutes a day.' -------------------------------------- Oh happiness oh patience Just imagine............ Brightness, like a farmer whistling floor, like an earth, upset bed, like a dream .... Jesus, you've never done that to me before, you always had respect. No. ----------- And you , Martha, what would you do? Sitting there, smug, like a bourgeois pug, sitting there with your clergyman's grin all the way down . . (oh, its wet) all the way down to your frock at least he's got the guts to have a ridiculous hat, that's where he keeps his dogs, every man needs to keeps his dogs somewhere. The dogs fly, bye and bye and I ask why and they reason and sigh and say we fly - you wanted - we could! ------------------------- Normally they give me a very small space; they give me really, you know a 3 by 2 by 1 by hardly anything at all and although one finds always exactly the right etcetera, one is always thinking maybe a little bit more to the left, maybe a little bit broader in the fold maybe a little bit deeper in the (talk to you later) maybe a little bit deeper in the plagiarism maybe a bit .... beautiful! Me! Me in beauty! Oh my god!. Beauty and me, standing face to face. Touchable and not touchable. To touch and ... then to escape. Hesse Hesse Hesse! I knew you'd come back someday, you shit-cake. You think you can walk off, in the mountains, walk off, write those books never to return. I knew you'd be back, sir, I knew you'd be ... (oh heavy) .... I knew you'd be back. It's a mask, I love you dearly. I would let you into anywhere I was, anywhere at all. You knew Albert? I'll introduce you, you're both dead, it's easy. One moment, its like the walk but sometimes quicker. Just get the poetry out of the way. Mature on your own. --------------------------- Later is now. And if we wait it'll be then. I used to have a cat they allowed cats and I was thinking one day that a cat without a name is like a tiger without teeth so I kept the cat without a name for a long time, fearing being bitten and one day I went, 'no, the cat must have a name' so I laid the cat down on the floor and I said, 'pussy - your name's coming.' I said 'your name is going to be Socrates.' And she gave me a look that totally disarmed me ..... for a whole year. ------------------------ Morning - time to work. Drought, no bridge needed. Good enough. I spend a lot of time, just like this. Listening, not listening listening, not listening and then I do a wild dance all about the place, you'd love it if you saw it....... dextrous, ineffable, musical, flagrant, tasty, erotic, throbbing! But I never do it unless I'm alone. Thank you. For a second I considered escape, thank you. Sorry I just can't take you anymore. One thing this place has is a sense of mystery. I waited 30 years for that; its been lying in the corner in the right place for the dust, in the right place for the thoughts in the air to fold down upon it in the right place to be not touched yet. And again not touched yet, lest the touching might bite you like a named cat. --------------------------------- Ten years. Sleep well, poetry. Sleep well. night's going down (ridiculous) day's going down, nights coming up. Sleep well. You'll be fine here. Dream as you must. Have the guts to shake the psyche, have the teeth to bite the tiger, have the perfect moves to attack the neighbour. I am caught I chose to be caught I am caught I chose to be caught I am caught I chose to be caught I am caught I chose to be caught I am caught I chose to be caught I am caught I chose to be caught. I see you I always see you I see you from afar I see when you're close I see you if you're going to die I see you and it's my pleasure to see you it's like food, seeing you, a day seeing you, is like 24 hours of eternity. ---------------------------------- I'm going to walk around the world. Don't look back! Memories do that much better. ©julyen hamilton	text Julyen Hamilton Created and spoken during the performance of CELL at Goli Oder Festival in Ljubjana, Slovenia















		The photos on this page are from the performance in the MODERN MUSEUM, Ljubljana